Lately I've been feeling super lonely. I feel cheated out of a real life and instead forced to live a life of uncertainty; of medications & doctors appointments & constant pain & sleepless nights. Faced with the inability to accomplish the goals and fulfill the dreams I once had. I worry that I am a burden and someone that most want nothing to do with. I'm at an age where all of my friends are now married and having children and I couldn't be more different than them. I struggle to connect and I force myself to ignore the jealousy that tries to creep in when I see them being mothers. Something I always thought I would but will now never be. I put in so much effort to be a friend and I dont get even a fraction back. And intellectually I get it. They are moms and wives and have so many things going on. But my heart? There are days it wonders how long it would be before anyone missed me. Would they even notice I was gone? Would it impact them at all? I've been in a bad flare now for over a year and we keep trying new medications and nothing seems to be working. I have nothing to contribute to a conversation bc my life revolves around my health and I'm self conscious to talk about it without being seen as a complainer. Sometimes I feel disconnected from everyone and everything. I've been living with some form of an autoimmune disease since I turned 13 and have experienced a whole heap load of trauma throughout my life. I can't help but feel like I've always been broken and I will never be whole. I struggle to feel and express these emotions in a coherent way and it feels foreign to speak these words that have been living inside of me. I know tomorrow will be better and I wont feel so sad. But tonight? Tonight I am broken. Tonight I don't have the energy to pretend everything is okay. Tonight I am letting out these feelings that threaten to strangle me. Tonight I'm letting go so tomorrow I can wake and breathe a little easier. #autoimmunediseases#rawtruth#mindfuck#broken#outofplace#letitallgo#unimportant#trauma#survivor#imjustsotired#breatheinandout#thesunwillriseandsowillyou
Let's take a minute to talk about my insecurities...
I have a lot, from the way I talk to how I sound.
From the way I walk yo my frame.
My size, my shape.
My abilities and disabilities.
My visible flaws to the way my eyes curl when I am expecting the words, those words that somehow, I feel would give definition to my life, to the way I give it all to him expecting little but hoping for more and getting nothing.
I'm insecure just by waking up in the morning. Like I have too many non factors of me, like I am just one person there is no other version of me.
I am insecure about the way he looks at me.
I am insecure about the way she talks to me, the way she talks about me.
Sometimes i feel like an echo, bouncing back and deep down in, what was/is yelled at me...loudest.
at night I am the ghost that hunts me.
While many folks (some Black I'm sure) are upset about the fire at Notre Dame cathedral, how many of you are even AWARE of the 3 Black churches that were apparently intentionally set on fire in Louisiana? Yall know all about #rkelly#jussiesmollett and other assorted BULLS*** tho...smh
The suspect is the son of a deputy! Swipe if you wanna see
Now, therefore, you are no longer strangers and foreigners, but fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ Himself being the chief cornerstone, in whom the whole building, being fitted together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord, in whom you also are being built together for a dwelling place of God in the Spirit. #ephesians#unloved#unimportant#insecure#remember#jesus#childofgod#youareworthy#youareloved
Left and right arms fucked up.
I wish I was dead.
Day's been kinda great, just had suicidal thoughts while cheering people up. I almost broke my diet plan with Nutella, but I ate bc i was feeling so bad.
Every day is worse.
Every day I hit the rock bottom harder then the day before.
Will it one day stop? Would I feel fine, really and truly fine one day long?
My answer is NEVER. I'm just gonna cope as far I can, but I'll die, every human is gonna die, just I will kill myself. One day, all that shit gotta stop. And I'm looking forward that moment really hard.