Would you lay here and count my beads?
Will you count and count again ?
Will they conjure illusions to exorcise your demons?
Are they the anointing that will keep you here?
Would you lay here and count my beads?
Maybe this time I can keep you here.
This year, I have done some deep introspection work. I’ve realized the kind of energy I do and do not want in my life. The energy I love, but need to keep at a distance. The energy that loves me, but doesn’t make me feel honored in a way I need– and this being no one’s fault per se, but just me knowing what is best for me and my wellness.
Throughout the entirety of my life, I have been told everything from that I was too arrogant, too sure of myself, to secure in myself, too loud, too boisterous, too intelligent, I have a “God complex”, I’m overcompensating, I’m “doing too much”, people trying to silence me, and wanting me to care about what others think just because they are so ridden with insecurity that lies in themselves. And while some these things bare truth, there lies deeper truth in MANY of these surface level judgments directed towards me. •
As my partner recently told me– we are ALL GODS, because we are all wonderful, capable, and have so many talents and abilities!
I have felt deeply hurt by the words of so many ppl who have said these things- especially loved ones- as WORDS have ALWAYS deeply cut me. A lack of words also hurts me, as I am someone who thrives off of verbal affirmations (words of affirmations is one of my top love languages, I’ll discuss what the love languages are in a future post!). This isn’t to say that I don’t think many people love me, but many people have not been able to love me in the way I need– and that is okay. And as I’ve tapped in to my own greatness, I realized that it’s okay to know what my needs and wants are. My greatness is unfolding after YEARS of trauma and trails tribulation. And now since I’ve tapped into that, there’s no looking back!
• 📸: @sageorville
Not edit, this is something different.
A little effort:
Yes, i'm genderqueer, or non binary. (i'm either boy or girl, or male or female) (have male and female qualities) I consider myself either both, but more male I guees? I don't know what to think, it's confusing me.. I came out to my parents, and my gf that's it. I was always been a tomboy all my life, and often, VERY. often I get confused as a male, boy. then when i'm tell them i'm a girl, they're look surprised. I am honest, I don't care it anymore, but sometimes it confuses me.. how that come, i'm feeling at this point a bit awkward, cause, I don't know how to tell this. now I came out here, I hope I did make my statement.
Btw thank you for everything:
What if we put as much energy into changing the world as we did into changing the individual? Life for non-binary and trans people can be better than it is today. We underestimate the power of and need for education and social change by relying too heavily on medicine and mental health. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Some people believe that only the younger generations reject the gender binary and along with gender norms, stereotypes and roles. While trans, non-binary, and gender non-conforming people may be more present (and visible) in younger generations, the movement to embrace new ways of living and understanding gender span the life cycle and gender spectrum. With the introduction and use of new language and an increasing desire for an independent, authentic self, everyone (yes even cisgender people) can benefit from a deeper understanding of gender as it relates to society, identity, and health. We put off dealing with the adaptations that we need to make in society and institutions by positioning medicine and mental health as the cure and focus. By fixating on medical interventions, we all become blind to the opportunities that exist to change the individual experience of gender for everyone. Life for non-binary and trans people can be better than it is today, but medicine and mental health can only do so much.
It’s hard navigating this world as a non-binary person. So much energy is exhausted by simply existing and surviving, there is often very little left over for education and advocacy. We need our cisgender allies to recognize and raise awareness about the benefits of changing the landscape of gender in society, for everyone. We are all a part of this movement. What if we put as much energy into changing the world as we put into changing ourselves?
I want all my shirts to have v necks down to my navel and all my pants to fit this good and all bathrooms to be gender neutral and have disco balls and purple paint and outdated speakers that make me feel like I just stepped into a campy queer 90s movie like ‘But I’m a Cheerleader’.
I have put so much work into letting go of expectations of who I thought I was “supposed” to be in order to embrace my true self.
I’m so thankful to be where I am today, and I’m only alive today because I chose to step into the wild unknown of loving myself unconditionally and having faith that those who claimed to love me would stay with me on this journey toward true unconditional love.
To everyone who has stuck around.... I love you too 💕