Годы проходят. Кажется, что осень наступает каждый раз одинаково. С пустотой и грустью. Понимаешь, что нет ничего вечного. Тогда она тебе нравилась, а теперь... уже нет.
Я не люблю холод.
Гуляя с другом по улицам города, попытался вспомнить, как проводил осень последние несколько лет. Конечно, были кое-какие значимые события, но... в целом, не смог вспомнить ничего яркого. Как будто эти месяцы промелькнули в небе стрижом, не оставив и следа.
Да, тогда я не смотрел на улицы, усыпанные листвой, не гулял в парках, погруженный в мысли. Не вдыхал осень полной грудью, а проживал часы в суете будней.
Пять лет. Прошло. Я не вспоминал.
Сегодня, блуждая во тьме улиц, я кое-чем вспомнил. О листе бумаги. Где были записаны мечты. Нет, это скорее были просто желания и цели, ведь мечта - это что-то большее. Из них я осуществил самую первую, важную, - защитил диплом с отличием и стал выпускником.
А дальше... началось путешествие. Многое пошло не так, но тогда я об этом не знал.
0 0a minute ago
MAYIS 2017 - Part 3
Bana soylendigi uzere giyinip, bekleme salonundaki koltuklardan birine yerlestim ve bana seslenmelerini beklemeye koyuldum.. Zaman gecmek bilmiyordu.. Tum odagimi taze turk kahvesi kokusuna yoneltmis, ikide birde telefonun saatine bakip dizlerimi saga sola sallamaya baslamistim.. Beklemek ahh! Beni bu hayatta en deli edey seylerden biriydi.. Ustelik de icini belirsizliklerin doldurdugu bir bekleyis... Tam 1 saat gecti, gozum artik otomatik acilan kapidan baska birsey gormemeye baslamisti.. Kapi her acildiginda hemsireyle goz goze gelmeyi ve adimi duymayi umarak koltugun ucuna dogru kayiyordum..
Ve beklenen an! - Feride Aksit! Raporunuz hazir efendim, cok gecmis olsun..
Ilk kez bir ultrason raporu elime tutusturuldugunda, cok gecmis olsun cumlesiyle karsilasmistim.. Allah'im neler oluyordu? Yoksa ben mi abartiyor ve hassas davraniyordum..
Raporu tesekkur ederek alip koltuguma yeniden oturdum.. Sira, elimde tuttugum kagitlari incelemeye gelmisti..
BIRADS-5!! Evet gozume ilk takilan bu olmustu.. Bu %95 kanser anlamina geliyordu.. Saskinlikla okumaya basladim.. Aksillaya (kol altina) yakin lokasyonda, 17 mm x 22 mm boyutlarda diye devam eden rapor sayfasi birden karardi.. Cevremdeki tum sesler konusmalar gurultuler, kulagimda ve beynimde yankilanan, tiz ve kisik tonda metalik seslere donustuler.. Ses hic degismiyordu.. Ayaga kalkip kendimi derhal temiz havaya atmak istedim ama bu mumkun olmadi, cunku "dizlerinin bagi cozulmek" deyimini saniyelerle yasayivermistim.. Sanki ayakta durabilmemiz icin dizlerimizde bir cubuk vardi da, ayaga kalkar kalkmaz gorunmez bir el gelip cubugu cekmis ve dizlerim is gormez olmustu.. Koltuga geri dustum.. Titrememe mani olamiyordum.. Alnimdan dokulen buz gibi terleri silmek icin ellerimi de kaldiramiyordum cunku ayni sey kollarimada olmustu... 15 dk sonra, derin nefesler alarak titrememi kontrol altina almis ve uzuvlarima olan hakimiyetim yeniden geri gelmisti.. Yavasca ayaga kalktim ve sanki suyun icinde, ruhum onden kosuyor da agirlasmis bedenim de onu takip etmeye calisiyormuscasina, kendimi binanin disina atmayi basardim.. #cancer#kanser#memekanseri#breatcancer#benimhikayem#instacancer#mystory#izmir
Membuat cerpen (walaupun benar2 pendek) dengan pikiran liar dan bebas itu menyenangkan ...
Udah jam 11.35... Level rinduku ke kamu sudah 97%.... 5 menit lg udah 100%. Padahal masih 30 menit. Gmn ini? Aku gelisah, keringat dingin keluar, mules, gak bisa ngapa2in... Lihat layar proyektor cuma ada wajahmu, lihat materi hanya bayangmu
Ini kenapa juga segala model jam yang ada disekitarku memburu hal yang sama, semakin gerah membuat diri ingin telanjang bebas tanpa merasa malu dan menutup dengan segala kemunafikan.
Kembali bicara mengenai rindu yang mencabik. Sekarang sudah 100%, bisa overheat ini... Semakin berat nahannya tauuu? Mules yang menjadi jadi. Ingin muntah, tp sayang karena sarapan td dapat daging ayam yang enak dan gratis.
Kamu dimana ya? Lesung yang sudah dinilai 120 kali sih katanya. Gak sanggup terus menahan rindu. Bagaimana jika meninggalkan ruangan untuk bertemu.
Yaahhhhhhh..... Ternyata dia berdua .
selama berada di KOTA besar, nama kota asalku "Bontang" terbukti sangat membantu seseorang untuk mengingat sosokku setiap berkenalan, tak terkecuali SR.
Alhamdulillah hingga saat ini sosok ueh dapat diingat dengan baik. bahkan disela-sela kesibukannya menyusun buku "Warna" saat ini, beliau dengan senang hati mau berbagi ilmu menulisnya padaku.
Banyak melihat... banyak kenalan... banyak kawan... bikin aku jadi banyak belajar...
terutama dari tokoh-tokoh hebat di bidang desain grafis. alhasil skill cetek ini jadi lebih berkembang tentu dibarengi dengan mental profesional.
pelajaran ini belum selesai~~~
sebagai seorang desainer grafis, suntikan ilmu terus diperlukan demi hasil karya yang bernilai... #Thanks to : - Mr. SR yang dengan rendah hati mau berbagi ilmu dan menjadi guru..😉
- klien2 tercinta untuk kepercayaannya melibatkanku pada proses desain media promosi kalian 😗
Nahh, buat [calon] klien lainnya... jangan segan atau ragu kontek ueh~ (no hp tertera di bio 🤧)
tenaaanngggg~~~ "Senin Harga MURAH!!!" 🤣
mari terus belajar.....
mewujudkan MIMPI menjadi NYATA ~~~ #uhuy .
0 69 minutes ago
Last night I had the privilege of being asked to share my story at the FMC breast reconstruction information evening. Phil and I were then able to chat to women and their partners and answer questions to help them make the best decision for their reconstruction journey. I always find it fascinating to listen to other womens’ stories because every single journey is so different. No two cancers are the same, and everyone’s coping skills are also different. Reconstruction is huge surgery and an even bigger recovery. If you are at that stage, ask questions. Many questions. Take your health into your hands, and do the research to reach the best decision for you. Was it hard? Yep, very. But for me, so worth it, to have my feminine body back.
1 411 minutes ago
Do you keep a journal? I have one in which I doodle and write, stick inspiring pictures, write down little thoughts and lists, affirmations and reminders. This is one of the pages. Simple. Try it yourself, just start! It’s often a real eye opener to read back what you wrote months ago and then to see how far you’ve come. In January, before I moved to Spain, I wrote “I am going to have a band in Valencia and be succesful as a freelancer”. Not even knowing how this would manifest itself or what my new life would even look like. But I put it out there. I kept writing lines and words in my diary to keep focused on what I wanted. Less than 8 months after moving, I am a singer in a band with four upcoming gigs and tomorrow I am meeting my third client this week in need of copywriting. Magic? Am I lucky? No it is not lucky or miraculous. I believe it is all about being clear about what you want in life, writing it down, saying it out loud and being open to opportunities. You can be who you want and have what you want, as long as you truly believe in it and focus on the end goal. Do you agree? #crazylife#thoughtoftheday#gratitudequotes#mystory#optimistic#mindfulliving#countyourblessings#visionboard#journaling#stayfocused#positivityonly
I don’t know if you have noticed but I’m not as comfortable in my body at the moment. I’m feeling blah because my diet is not as good as it usually is and I’m stress eating!
I have been wearing tops when I workout to cover my stomach or not happy with photos of myself when I don’t have my stomach covered.
I’m going through a transitional period and that has me off, I shouldn’t allow that to effect me but if you are a stress/emotional eater you’ll get me. It’s not always easy to control. The first is admitting it’s going on, so here I am declaring I’m stress eating and it’s making me feel shit and that makes me feel worse and cycle continues.
But I want to draw a line in the sand and not let this control me, it’s not making me feel better it’s making me feel worse and right now I need to be on my game!
So going forward I’m going to put more awareness into what I eat and eat to fuel my body and not my emotions!
Sand, line, done! ✅ anyone else joining me? We can do this together!
It's been a living death.
Since the day I took first breath.
Always wondered why.
Everyone left me to cry.
Just a 2nd choice remember?
Razors leaving me dismembered.
Learned the fuckin hard way.
You can lose it all in one day.
People still preaching hope.
As they hanging from a rope.
Truth is don't nobody care.
If you're here or if you're there.
Out the window so called morals go.
As their greed starts to grow.
I'm just a worm in the path.
Another victim of someones' wrath.
There is no damn light.
Only the darkness in which I fight.
Opened my tear filled eyes.
Saw god & man alike telling lies.
Had to clench my fists.
Or the world would slit my wrists.
Clock these fools in the jaw.
My own god making my own law.
Cuz I only got one life.
Then I'm the maggots meal after all my strife.
They said my soul was sold.
But truth be told.
Never had one in the first place.
Just another rat in the race.
Inverted cross wearing monster so crazy.
But don't forget you mother fuckers made me.
Like Dr. Frankenstein.
I'm your's & you're mine.
Pulled the knife from my back.
Cutting nobody no slack.
Snuffing out every enemy.
Fuck the weakness of mercy.
Reborn at the center of the 5 pointed star.
And since I've come far.
Through the fog & fire.
With a dark desire.
To share my pain.
See it all go up in flame.
Don't care if it's right or wrong.
Lost my sanity in nights cold & long.
I will survive.
Be the last roach alive.
The reaper the ruler.
Life's cruel I'm crueler!
I want to be as transparent as possible... I started this IG account so I had a way to track progress without feeling ashamed in front of my family and friends. Only one friend from college as found this account and I'm terrified of others seeing it too. Outside of her, only two other people know.
I needed an outlet. With my constant battle with anxiety I'm stuck between bombarding those I love with my struggle and trusting others to love and respect me. It's hard. And I know so many others feel the same way. My anxiety effects my weight loss, and weight loss will ultimately help with my anxiety. I truly believe that.
I am currently going through a rough patch. I ask for prayers and well wishes. I know we are strangers but I also want to extend a hand to whoever needs to talk or simply want to ask a stranger to pray over them. I hope you all have a better end to your week.
Throwback to 5 years ago; December 2013 when I went for my first exhibition: Eko Beads Festival at Muson Centre,Onikan, Lagos. See me repping in our Biddy Strings T-shirt and of course, the earrings are Biddy Strings plus I remember I took this selfie with my Blackberry Curve 3......abeg, who still remembers that phone?......lol. What else do I remember? I remember I was the CEO (Chief Everything Officer) then, so after sacrificing sleep for days to make the jewlery sets, I packed my big bag with jewelry, dummy necks ,etc and set out from Ibadan to Lagos.......and I remember my mom praying for me that 'I will sell market very well'. I also remember she ensured she came from Ibadan to Lagos to give me moral support before the week long exhibition ended. Ain't our mamas just sweet?....... ***Ok, what I've learnt from this picture: Always take pictures and keep memories of every little progress you make in life because you never can tell which of them will make for good history in the future.
Growing up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I was taught to believe that same-sex love was wrong. I always supported other people's decision but I was never the one to be apart of that.
I made jokes with my friends and say that being lesbian would be easier than being straight but if someone were to ask me if I liked girls, I would answer without hesitation that I could never like a girl.
It wasn't actually until my senior year in high where I started questioning my sexuality. I realized that I had internalized homophobia and that I had been lying to myself for a very long time.
I first unasuringly came out to some of my closest friends as bisexual. But as an Lsd member I couldn't let it spread, although I had some "friends" that almost outted me.
As of today, I identify as panromantic asexual. I'm still technically "in the closet" but now if someone asks I can't tell them that I'm straight.
I still believe in the Lds church and will strive to live those standards. It's hard accepting the way I feel, it weird and new, but it's also a learning opportunity. 💖💛💚💙🖤💜💖💛💚🖤💜💖
#panromanticasexual#panromantic#asexual#nationalcomingoutday#gayldsmember#lgbtlds#black#africanamerican#lds#minority#mystory#sheher#female#highschool#mystory#kindofcomingout#inthecloset#pansexual # pansexualpride #grayasexual
Everything depends on your thoughts and consciousness, not on the people who wanna f*ck you up🙃
Probably, it's not the greatest world's mystery I am talking about, but that's how at the desperate time I stopped whining around and imagining myself crying with a bucket of ice-cream in front of Netflix😁Nope, not an advertisement of the 100th chakra opening. Just casual sharing of personal experience.
Ever heard about this model: Refusal, Denial, Anger, Bargain, Depression, and Acceptance? I noticed that sooner or later I always got to the Acceptance stage, like we all did, but when you really DO work on yourself in order to speed up this transition process, you suddenly get to another stage, where you feel peaceful and happy, and what is more important - saving soo much of your precious time and energy!🔥
So let it all go, cry it out (if you want), dedicate most of your time to your career/family/study, start doing stuff, which you always postponed because of somebody/something, follow your own plan (people are not reliable creatures:D). Congrats! You are happy as f*ck, living a dream and dancing at the bus stops!💥
Body Building VS. Health
I have always been interested in health and fitness. Ever since I started learning about nutrition in 5th grade I’ve wanted to make sure that I took care of my body, there was just something that clicked with it. I also started lifting when I was 16, and if I’m being 100% honest it was because there were good looking dudes in the weight room. Now fast forward to my sophomore year of college when I decided I wanted to compete in my first bodybuilding competition. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
I did A LOT of research about how to cut, what my workouts should look like, what my diet should be like, how much cardio I needed to do (even tho I could only do 25 min of cardio due to being out of shape).
I caught that itch for victory the first show I did. I walked off stage placing 5th in my class but that only made me more determined to win the next time. Fast forward to present day I have put on 10 pounds of muscle since my 1st competition and I can honestly say I am healthier than I was when I was in college. If I had never started bodybuilding I’m not sure I would have done all the research over the years if figuring out how to train and how to diet to maintain a lean physique and that sparked more reading into holistic nutrition and wellbeing. I have never worked with a personal trainer or competition coach which has helped and set me back in different ways BUT I have found an inner strength I never knew I had, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
I’m still getting asked about Bob😕 Bob was a rescued bunny. He was one of a kind, loved the fawns. Unfortunately we didn’t know anything about his history or age. He passed during the night this past summer. He was a really cool, extremely large bunny 😉 and was always into mischief. #bestnonpayingjobever