Followers- how are you doing? Like how are you really doing? .
This can be such a tough time of year. We’re expected to be happy and joyful and enjoy the holiday season- but for those experiencing grief or loss, big transitions, the ends of relationships, financial stress, new sobriety, or any other struggles with our life or our physical or mental health, it can feel hard to “fit in” with the overall holiday experience. .
I’d love to hear what you’re doing to take care of yourself- whether it’s setting boundaries with family, having a big holiday celebration (or a quiet one), spending time alone- I want to hear about it! .
Wishing everyone out there a peaceful day 💕
A 100 days later, I sat down to write to you.
It's past midnight, and everyone has slept. Except Ria, she is binge-watching Narcos tonight. You know how she is, she is going to spend the next two days telling me everything about it. You remember, don't you? How she used to grab away the phone from me and tell you about some character she thought was exactly like you. Anyway, she has stopped asking about you now, finally. So has everybody else. No one says your name, but I know they talk about us in low whispers when I am not around. It's like taking your name will break something in me. But I don't need your name to break down. All it needs is a feeling, a memory, a fragrance to remind me of you. We don't talk about you anymore, but the silence hangs between us like your haunting absence, it never leaves me alone.
It was so silly of me to think that to love and lose isn't as hard as they show in the movies. It is harder. It is so much harder when no one will ever fast forward the time for you. When no one will flash a black curtain and magically bring you to a time when you can finally speak without cracking up. In reality, you just go through each day that stretches long enough to make you feel a 100 years old. I have lived a 100 lives ever since you have gone, without even telling me why. Some days I am a baby who cries all day. Some days I am a wise old woman who understands love and loss are two sides of a coin. Some days I am a teenager living in denial, a 100% sure you will come back and tell me why you were doing this to me. Some days I am so sad that nothing, not even your music makes me smile. Some days I am angry, I am adamant that I am going to find someone better than you. Some days I am so much in love with you, that I foolishly think that my love would be enough for both of us. It isn't. I need so many answers that questions are filling up my lungs. No one asks about you anymore, because they are tired of my silent response.
Somedays I tell myself, there must be a reason good enough for you to leave me with this dreadful silence I carry on my own. But what is it?
A hundred days later, we still don't talk anymore.
“How do you feel when you are with me?” Ayaan asked. Dhriti was on her phone, checking her mail. They were sitting at a small cafe and waiting for your food to arrive. On hearing his question, she put her phone on the table and took his hand in her hand and pressed it really hard. “When I am with you, I feel like every thought in my mind has settled down, there is still chaos, but it's a peaceful one. The one that listens to me, the one that waits for me to finish my tea, the one that lets me watch outside the car windows and take in as much beauty as I desire. The one that comforts me like music, and warms me like a blanket. There is still chaos, but it doesn't scare me. I still think a lot but it doesn't scare me. When you are around, Ayaan, I am a better person. I am someone I needed when I was young and so stupid. With you, the world seems a lot less scary.” Ayaan smiled and took her hand in both of his hands and planted a soft kiss on her hand. It lingered for a long time after. “I love you, Dhriti. I hope you know that. I hope you remember that always.” “I do, baby. I always do.” — disha