This is something that I think alot of us victims of abuse have to deal with. Unless you have been a victim of abuse, you can't even try imagine the complexities & dynamics of the abuse, and the codependency we develop as a result of being abused. Trauma bonding is real and it is so misunderstood. Trauma bonding is what makes it almost impossible to believe. More often then not, our abusers don't just go straight into abusing us when they first meet us, because we would up sticks and leave before getting emotionally tied to them. Its a slow process of them grooming us with their charm, promising us the life we only ever dreamed of.. it feels too good to be true, and it is too good to be true. They work quickly, and they flog us with so much affection, we can't really see how it could possibly go wrong! But then the drip feeding starts, and then the control starts, and it's very suttle at first, but eventually once they've significantly started to damage your self esteem, then the intensity of abuse increases and our mental and emotional health is not of sound judgement, therefore we cannot be blamed. The narc/sociopath robs us of our choices to leave. They isolate us, they gaslight us to believe we're crazy, they make us question everything about ourselves, they abuse us and then pick us back up again showering us with love in an attempt to apologise for their behaviour, only to repeat the cycle over and over again, further destroying us. We put up with the abuse because we know that once it's over, they will become remorseful and beg us to stay.. that they love us and can't live without us, and because we are already so beaten, the affection is a wanted relief from the pain. They make sure that they are the one that hurts us, but that they're also the only one who can comfort us. I think it's important that not only victims are given more awareness of their abuse, but that the people who love them are also educated and made aware of the dynamics involved, so that they can stop #victimshaming us, by telling us if we continue to go back to the narc or stay with him then we deserve what we get. It's not that simple, ever! Victim shaming is also emotional abuse!
I recently wrote a blog about the one thing I would never do in my marriage. If you’re interested, please visit my website to learn more. Hint it’s the one thing you should never do in your #marriage either.
I have similar insecurities as an adult that I had as a little boy. I realize I am not a little boy and I need to ‘pull my head out of my ass’ and charge against the world. I don’t have the luxury of playing the ‘poor me’, hoping that things change around me. I need to change, but for right now in this moment of time and space I feel like a 3rd grade boy silent screaming to be picked first for the team. I wished I was still her #1. That is my heart, my head knows quite differently and I wished my heart could be as logical as my head.
You blink once and it’s over. Everything you had held onto as truth is stolen in an instant and you’re left wondering what you did wrong. The truth is, nothing that you have done or could ever do is enough. Not enough for someone who doesn’t appreciate who you are as a person.
I’ve fought with this my whole life. The need to be accepted. The need to be wanted. The desire to be looked at and win someone’s approval, despite my flaws and shortcomings. Finally there he was: a good guy. He was funny, smart, confident, and good with people. He showed me love and was vulnerable with me to the point of sharing his faults and struggles. He shared 3 years of his life with me, and then ripped it from under my feet.
Where does that leave us now? Fighting for our lives. I’m constantly wondering if it’s worth it. Is all of this worth the pain, the struggle and the hours of emotional and physical stress? If we truly love one another, then nothing can tear us apart. If we truly love each other than time will heal our wounds and help us to move past the current heartbreak of betrayal.
This one may make some folks uncomfortable, but it’s the truth. Someone just might comment “not all men”🙄 But really none of us are in a position to tell @iamcardib to go back, because we have no idea what’s going on in her life other than what media tells us. All I know is that if the shoe were on the other foot, people wouldn’t be telling him to go back. Look at how they treat other female celebrities that don’t meet society’s idea of appropriate sexuality. *************************************************************
When infidelity happens, partners should re-evaluate the relationship, why it exists, and exhaustively discuss what potentially lead to the current state of the relationship. Many times it’s best to hire a professional because (denial and internalized shit) and people need help navigating all of that. Doing so could lead to the end or new beginning of a beautiful thing. And if deciding to stay create and actively engage in a plan to communicate forgiveness and rebuild trust. Because let’s be honest, people return to cheating partners all the time. Some of them stop cheating and some don’t. No, resolution is not simple, but is possible if partners are honest with themselves and are willing to do the work. *********More importantly some partners REALLY need to understand that NOT ALL romantic relationships are WORTH SAVING.********* #noniayana#sexology#sexologist#sexuality#humansexuality#sexeducator#relationships#relationshipproblems#relationshipgoals#cardib#offset#offsetcardib#infidelity#infidelityrecovery#threesome#sidepiece#marriage#couples