#bangsblitz is back and this theme is favorite things ❤️
My favorite things are my wonderful fiancé, our home in Colorado, our adventures in the Rocky Mountains, and of course wearing my BANGS shoes along the way❣️
Life offers us half-shapen sign posts when we are searching for a billboard to scream to us the way. But would we even listen? We, the frequent rebels, to ourselves. Arguing, blaming away our greatest joys. We don't set out with it all completed for us already. Figuring life out is the most human-being thing human beings do. And we can only do it by trying. Within our nature lies a tendency to err. In that same body rises a desire to rectify and put right to wrong. We don't guilt our cells into cells of their own when they fail us. You have to forgive yourself when you lose the way. Seldom do you fail yourself on purpose. We live in sullen tyrannies constructed by our societies, but we individually bar our own windows. There will be no freedom until we tire of unloading and reloading the restraints we put upon our backs w/ distorted self-talk. (“After the Goldrush” pt 3. Full post link in bio)
So I waited, breathed, and smoked a joint. I looked for signs of flattened straw; quiet openings in the brush. This setting forward, breathing the pristine mountain air, thick with pine. Exhilaration pulsing in each expanded artery increasing with each mile in my trek.
I retraced the steps and boulders I had climbed until I came to a misshapen sign post pointing in two directions. One led back to a dead end. The other pointed down. Its white markings peeled away & offering no specific guidance.
The infernal teasing of being human.
I gathered my belongings, boots double-tied, my heart loosening its notches.
In that moment the sign post was all I needed. I had already traversed the path that lost me.
I just needed to see that there was something up ahead without the faulty guidance of unreliable self-narration.
Hope upon the horizon is enough to light through a sea of trees. Shreds still bleed through even After the Goldrush is long over.
16 28012 hours ago
We are always on the cusp of knowing. Like that point in your day drinking a coffee & laughing w/ your best friend, or on that cerebral scatterfying acid trip when you figured out the universe, or close to orgasmic climax- the constant verge of almost knowing. Then all flows ephemeral again. Wisps of genius coursing back into the void. The curse of peering into secret ethers is forgetting it all. Truths we weren’t supposed to learn.
(After the Goldrush part 2 @ Joshovaswitness.com)
The winds picked up and they began swaying together in a primal dance. A pattern choreographed by an ancient unconscious evolution. The years that have brought these trees- this wind-blown self to now.
The way out of that forest was hidden. Guide signs had fallen into disrepair and disuse. They were eroded by the sheer artifact of time. A path alone indeed. Perhaps this was part of the process, or a brief panacea- a way to come to peace w/ a journey that seems so unsure & unguided. I got what I wanted. I sat & ate a tuna sandwich lost in nature. “At least I have food & water, emergency poncho, hatchet, flashlight, journal, iPhone, joint.” My own bewitching self-determined survival guide.
I tell myself “this loss and lostness is temporary. I have learned that from all the times I’ve lost my way before.” Still I wanted to give up. Not so unlike where I feel my life has now brought me to today. A book I am proud of but brought me to a near penniless state and no direction nearer to building a home, yet again.
We must lean into the thoughts & feelings that align to our true desires. The key to survival in the wilderness is mindset. If you let yourself get tangled in the mire of not surviving your chances plummet to 50%.
There were lessons in losing my way. But I thought I had already been through all that. Maybe finding yourself is never finished. I'm still searching ‘til the day I’m not.
13 23613 hours ago
Blog remix! (Insta deleted some posts.) “After the Goldrush” My breathing found the mountain rhythm, and I let my cares go. A week-and-a-half away from the unexpected turmoil my leaving of Texas had created. The Tioga trail is nestled a couple miles westward of the continental divide. It was height of summer and temperate beauty. Tourists & amateur hikers flock to the best morning trails. Mosquito swarms had followed suit. Being alone in nature is the truest of all holy rituals. I wanted to hike unencumbered, spirited away from fellow hikers, pairs of probing human eyes. (Joshovaswitness.com)
The solo wanderer's mantle is one I needed to carry that day. One that has followed me since. How is it in the subtle pursuits of adjacent tasks, we often get exactly what we asked for?
I felt free, calm, inspired. I took my Canon & leapt in ecstasy. Snapped frames of blue dream & mountain haze- a photo to the cover of my first book. I meditated, soaking in a sunlit gratitude, enjoying the call of Jays beside my yogic form.
And as we often do in states of bliss, I felt the time was NOW to move forward. True to nature I chose the complicated hike that found me lost and turned every which way round. Stuck for hours somewhere in a long loop of the Rocky Mountain wilderness. Colorado keeps calling me back, an unintended disciple. The lessons becoming easier as I let myself be broken by each teaching.
Cell service had not worked for days. The trail map made no sense. Summer rain began falling and the sky grew darker. I had two hours of daylight left. I sought refuge within a clearing and canopy of aspen groves. “Aspens, god, Steve Jobs- can you please lead me out of here?” It’s funny the ones we cry out to when we need saving.
There may be no atheists in the foxholes, but I’ve come to believe that everything is connected. A pantheist in panic is either delusional or on to something. I’m still out to find that answer. .
J u n g l e B o y 🌴
Sometimes you have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover is yourself. 🦍 #WeLiveNow