honestly, i was too depressed to remember to post anything on world mental health day, and i’m still having a hard time (this gloomy weather got me fucked up y’all) but here goes: i have BPD (among other things) and it fucks with my life on the regular. “feeling too much for too long over too little” was one way they described it in therapy. it’s overwhelming to feel so much all of the time, like my heart is so big that i might burst - like at any moment i might be crushed by the overwhelming weight of it all. sometimes it can be beautiful, if you look at it in a certain light - i am so, so passionate about the things i care about, i love the people and things in my life more than most people are even capable of loving anything, and my happiness is often euphoric. but the opposite is true as well: even the tiniest disappointments feel like the end of the world for me, small mishaps feel like a failure so large it might swallow me whole and take everyone i love away from me in one fell swoop. having mental illness is a full time job that i never signed up for.
i feel like it’s so, so important for society to learn to recognise and talk about mental illness - especially ones that are harder to digest, like BPD or bipolar disorder or schizophrenia - and the only way to do that is if more of us speak up and tell our stories, even and especially when it’s not pretty.
i’ve come so far from where i was in the past and even though i know i still have so far to go i’m so thankful for all of the people in my life who have made it easy for me to talk about all the garbage in my brain and put up with my asking them if they’re mad at me every five minutes haha.
reach out to the people you care about - ask them how they are and listen, even if it’s ugly. even if it’s hard. we’re all we’ve got.
0 1just now
Getting a lot of sleep doesn't always mean getting a lot of rest. Struggling to wake up says a lot more about when you ate the night before then how long you slept. ❤ @emilyjoyrosen@marcdavid_ipe@eatingpsychology@eatingpsychologypractitioners P.S. If you want to learn more about Dynamic Eating Psychology & Mind Body Nutrition, then check out the link in our profile for the FREE BOOK SERIES all about forever transforming your relationship with food. Learn how to take the next big leap forward with weight, body image, overeating, binge eating, emotional eating, endless dieting, mood, digestion, fatigue and more. We hope you enjoy it!
PTW... I just needed to rant, sorry this is really negative and makes no sense🙃.
I feel like I’m spending every day grieving over anorexia, wanting to be the skinny girl again, always cold, and always worried about. I can’t love this body that I’m in right now and all I want is to be thin again. I’m binging because I hate myself, and I hate myself because I’m fat, and I’m fat because I binge. I’m just stuck in a constant cycle and everything just feels so pointless and boring. Anorexia was my only friend and now I’ve just replaced that with food. I cry when I see myself in the mirror every single day and I ask myself why did I recover? It certainly hasn’t brought me happiness😞 #anorexiarecovery#anarecovery#edrecovery#eatingdisorderrecovery#eatingdisorderawareness#eatingdissorder#realrecovery
Long time no yogurt bowl! I feel like it has been forever since I have had this 🙈 -
I feel so free.
Each day anorexia is getting quieter and quieter.
Each day is a battle but it is getting easier and easier each day.
Recovery isn’t easy but it is so so worth it 🌻
When I was in the depths of my eating disorder, I avoided weights at all costs and did cardio only. I thought weights would bulk me up and I didn't need to give my haters more fuel.
Now I realize weights help me. Especially since I started running. Lifting weights gives me strength to run. It feeds my muscles in a different way. It makes me proud and feel fierce 💪🏻 #FreedomFriday#LiveLifeProudly#ICanDoAllThings#EatingDisorderRecovery#Runner
0 237 minutes ago
Really wasn’t feeling working out after work, especially before tomorrow’s long run, but once I decided to do a quick 2.2 run in Mollie’s honor, some of that motivation came back 🙌🏻 #miles4mollie, #milesformollie. Very blessed to have learned about a beautiful person like her & happy to have her both in my mind (and arm!!) today. What do you run for?
Dinner tonight is a childhood fav😋 my mom used to make this cream of mushroom dish that had ground turkey and veggies added in and put it on top of brown rice and I added some green beans and kimchi! And the best part is that I have leftovers for the next couple days. It’s a scary meal for me but hopefully if I keep eating it, it gets easier😬
These three words have so much power It’s the mantra that I’ve been living by because I feel Jesus moving every time it crosses my lips or my mind
“It is finished.” The words Jesus spoke as he gave himself away in our place on the cross taking with him the things that we deserved. It’s a sign of completion. Of victory. Of success. Jesus spoke these words knowing that his work was done. That God had his hands on the situation and His will was being carried through.
I like to think that’s the kind of mindset that I need to have in all situations. Not necessarily that they are finished, or the work is done, but that I know God’s already worked it out...and so the victory is already mine.
That’s just it. The victory is already mine because of Christ. So I refuse to live a day basking in something I cannot change, handle on my own, or that does not take me where Christ is going. There are 77 days left in 2018. And before this year is finished my biggest prayer is that God would wreck my entire world and change everything about me that is not of him.
I need all of me to be so transformed by all of him that I can look at any storm, any attack, any hardship, any lie and stand up in the face of it and immediately speak “it is finished”. Gods got you. Okay? The thing we worry most about Gods already worked out.
We weren’t designed to worry. Worry is a direct sign of disbelief. And that’s not the kind of posture I want to live with.
So I challenge you this week to humbly surrender yourself under the victory that is yours.
It IS finished. And your redemption story is just beginning.
Recovered Living has a new Social Media Manager! Meet @emilycosta 👋
Here is a message from Emily: “I am so excited to join Kristie and the Recovered Living team as their social media manager!
As someone who believes strongly that recovery is not only possible, but absolutely worth it - I feel extremely grateful for the opportunity to work alongside a passionate team that holds the same belief.
I believe that wherever we may be in our journeys to recovery, we can always use a bit of inspiration! Whether it be from our friends, family, the eating disorder recovery community, treatment professionals, recovery coaches or social media - the message of hope wherever we may get it can be a comfort in the darkest of times.
I look forward to connecting with the Recovered Living community via social media to help spread the teams inspiring message that full recovery is a possibility for all ☺️✨☀️”
So much has happened today and for some reason cannot get over the one hair in my face that is ruining this, otherwise, incredible picture. Anyway- today has been a day. I was having a dream last night that I was with my cousins and brother at universal when I was woken by a text asking if I had seen the breaking news in my home town. Never in a billion years did I think I was going to see what I saw. A former teacher of mine, at the same school where my teacher fell in love with me, was arrested for sexual relations with a student several years ago. Oh all the emotions I felt reading these articles. Sad - for the student who went through this. Hurt and neglected- by the school that failed to protect yet another one of their students. Jealous- of all the attention this was getting due to the feeling as though what had happened to me simply wasn’t enough. Even though I had told the school of the relationship that had formed during my time, they simply swept it under the rug and allowed him to resign, or as I like to say honorably discharge. Sending him off which a letter of recommendation that would later be used to seal an even better job at a later date. I feel as though I was not protected. Now, being a mandated reporter myself, I understand the lack of responsibility taken from the teachers I had told about this situation. I, at the time, didn’t file any police reports out of fear of hurting my teacher. But it shouldn’t have been my decision to make. My school should have filed. My school should have made an example of him. My school should have read the emails I supplied them with, between the teacher and I, and brought them right to the police. I can’t help but think “maybe if the school made an example that they truly do not condone this behavior, just maybe this girl wouldn’t be going through this.” But the reality is, my story was lessened by the number of authority figures who told me what he did “wasn’t enough,” and I’m done believing that. I was enough then and I am enough now. No matter what- if you are in high school, you are a child and your teacher should no better. Regardless of gender and age. Teachers- do better. #Recoveryeeeats
Obsessed with the Turquoise Horn necklace from @jazlyn_feild 🦋 ... She is giving all of you a 10% discount code for this piece! Yay! Use code “QUINCEY10” on her site.
5 248an hour ago
This week, I saw a new therapist. A therapist that specializes in eating disorder treatment. I haven’t seen someone in that field in almost 4 freaking years. I let that number sink in and then I moved on. Something in my gut was screaming, “Corrin, you are so solid in your recovery, but something in you is unwilling to let go of control.” Somehow, I was accepted as a patient, even though I haven’t practiced behaviors in ages. I didn’t really understand how and I was grateful. I sat down, half expecting to be turned away. I’m not sick enough, why would I deserve such excellent care over someone who is? We talked and he called me out over and over. We wrapped up and he said “your addiction is still so strong. Instead of controlling your food, you are controlling every other aspect of your life.” My eating disorder has been lurking in the shadows, disguising itself as ambition. It has been telling me that every accomplishment needs to be followed by another and another... I am not okay. I need support. I got support. You can, too.————————
Offering all the love I can tomorrow morning at 9. My eating disorder controls a lot, but it has never taken dance from me. How could I not share it with you all? 🌷
repeat after me //
my body is not wrong or ugly. Not too big or too thin. Not too dark or too pale, or too broken or too small. It’s a vessel of precious life and that is enough.
I win everyday. #eatingdisorderrecovery
0 22an hour ago
Happy Friday! 🎉
Life has been exceptionally busy these days, which is why I haven't been as active on here. It can be a challenge to engage with, and commit to, the "elective" things that I care about (like my account on my re) when I'm hustling non-stop, but I'm trying to prioritize self-care and dedicate time to parts of my career that I truly enjoy, like spreading info and sass through social media.
I'm fortunate in that I get to have plenty of fun in my work and regularly integrate laughter, humor, and "play," but sometimes I forget that that playfulness needs to exist in other areas of my life, too!
Hustling and working hard? Amazing. Being super productive and getting shit D-O-N-E? Awesome!
I'm the first to fall into the trap of productivity = success and often have to work exceptionally hard to break free from that bullshit.
Playfulness, fun, creativity, self-care? These things ALSO equal success/are integral to success.
It's all about the nuancing, fine-tuning, and balancing.
When life feels lopsided, kicking ass can feel like much more of an uphill battle, and success can seem diluted.
Without equilibrium, white-knuckling through the day can become the norm, and waking up to that and repeating that can feel nothing if not aggressively unappealing.
It's important to find a balance and a life that works for you, even if it takes time, and even if it doesn't feel like a "perfect" "success."
Kicking ass requires humility, messiness, authenticity, willingness. And, most importantly, it requires that you show up first for yourself, and most for yourself.
Repeat, repeat, repeat. ✌🏻
1 292 hours ago
Walked into my therapist's office the other night, panicking because I had just eaten dinner and felt full.
I didn't want to sit there and feel full, with my eating disorder and anxiety loudly reminding me of all the reasons I despise that sensation.
So that's exactly what I did. Sat on my therapist's couch, sat with the discomfort. Worked through it with EMDR. Had an anxiety attack. Moved past it.
I have spent most of my life relying on my eating disorder and alcohol to numb the feelings I didn't want to feel and the thoughts I didn't want to have.
I believed numbing all that shit and running from it would make it go away. It definitely did not.
Recovery has taught me that I have to sit in the dark, sit with the painful feelings and discomfort if I wanna feel better. The only way out is through.
And once I'm through those painful feelings, I'm always stronger and more at peace than I ever was before. 💜
1.6 million people are affected by eating disorders in the UK alone; less than 50% affected recover fully, a third partially recover and 20% remain chronically ill. Although I post these transformation photos, I want to highlight that you cannot always or even usually see an eating disorder. Bulimia, binge purge subtype, BED and EDNOS are all just as serious as Anorexia Nervosa but without always having the a-typical physical symptoms that one associates with ED’s. Although the above is one of my darkest times, when I was on the verge of being sectioned under the mental health act; the time between the two pictures where my weight would fluctuate depending on my struggles with the illness and other addictions was probably more intensely painful mentally. It was years of pure chaos for both me and my family. The times where I would raid a friends entire kitchen, eating thousands of calories in an alcohol infused binge and then drive home wasted because I had no choice but to purge, flipping my car on the way and getting arrested. The time where I would eat cereal I’d sprayed in detox earlier from the bin and then take an overdose because I felt so ashamed. The time where I drank cleaning product because I could deal with the negative thought about what I had eaten and I so desperately wanted my stomach pumped. The nights I spent sleeping on my parents floor at 20+ years of age because I was a danger to myself. All of those times people were telling me how well I looked. I will never be embarrassed of these times as I’m not sure how but I made it through them and that made me, me. I’m happy. I’m positive. I’ve learned to love myself exactly as I am this year and it’s the greatest revelation of how I can live happily there ever was. I want to share that because at a time I thought it wasn’t possible, especially due to the lack of initial help I received. But it IS possible. ED’s are not glamorous, they are life threatening disorders which create serious trauma for the sufferer and those around them. Keep fighting if you are struggling, there is always light, there is a place for you in the world, and you deserve everything, exactly as you are. Stay strong ❤️
y’all today has been A DAY. i’m beyond exhausted. this morning i was in high distress & panic over body image. i put on my fav pair of leggings and they were tighter when before they were visibly loose. i panicked, went to staff (success) and sobbed. then i changed bc i felt so uncomfortable and still, all day, i’ve been depressed and anxious with the weight restoration process. so there’s my biggest low which led to my other low of restricting a snack which is going to add hours to my night feed. i restricted bc i was paralyzed by fear, ive really struggled with all meals today, and i had a breakdown because i feel like such a failure and screw up for the set back. it hit me so hard bc i moved levels today & if i restrict again my 3 days of 100% completion starts over & i go back down. anyway.. my team met with me and said i’m still up a level if i comply with the tube feed.
my success today is picking myself back up at dinner and not letting the restriction snowball. my high was fresh air, and coffee.
my gratitude is always~for the support i have in this journey.
24 25022 hours ago
Aujourd’hui j'ai décidé de vous montrer la réalité sur les TCA... Je vais vous parler de mon combat sans filtre et sans tabou. Je souffre de troubles alimentaires depuis deux ans. Je suis passée de 52 à 36 kilos en l’espace de quelques mois. J’avais tout perdu : ma joie de vivre, mes émotions. J’étais obnubilée par ce chiffre sur la balance, que je vérifiais 10 fois par jour. La maladie m’avait rongée de l’intérieur. Un soir, en janvier dernier, mon copain m’a traîné aux urgences. Ils m’ont redirigé vers une clinique spécialisée. Mon bilan sanguin était inquiétant. J’ai été transférée dans un service de renutrition où l’on m’a posé une sonde pendant un mois. Enfermée dans une chambre reliée à une machine à calories, seule, avec uniquement des visites le week-end. Je me suis remise à manger pour sortir de cet enfer. Ceci a été très dur psychologiquement mais salvateur. J’avais retrouvé en moi une envie profonde de m’en sortir, de revenir parmi les vivants. Je suis retournée en clinique spécialisée. J’ai repris 8 kilos en cinq mois d’hospitalisation. Le jour de mes 28 ans, le 31 juillet, j’étais libre. J’emménageais avec mon copain, un nouveau poste m’attendait en septembre. Que de belles conditions pour démarrer une nouvelle vie ! Mais en six semaines j’ai reperdu 6 kilos. On a convenu que je vienne tous les jours à l’hôpital de jour. On m’a redonné des compléments alimentaires qui m’ont aidé à stopper la chute de poids. J’ai réalisé qu’il me restait trois options : me laisser mourir, retourner en hospitalisation complète ou trouver un autre moyen de m’aider à guérir. J’ai contacté @Julien_Trainer, qui m’a proposé de m’aider à m’en sortir. C’est pourquoi je tiens désormais à partager mon combat quotidien. Je veux lever le voile sur cette maladie encore taboue, incomprise et pourtant de plus en plus répandue. Je veux faire preuve d’authenticité en exposant toutes les facettes de l’anorexie, mes victoires comme mes défaites. Je souhaite apporter mon témoignage pour me libérer de ce fardeau que je traîne depuis bien trop longtemps. Enfin, je veux partager mon combat pour soutenir toutes les personnes qui souffrent de TCA.
56 2076 hours ago
You do not “want an ed”.
Do you want a weak body? Instense emotions? Fatigue? Hair loss? Do you want to live in fear and isolation? To feel lost and out of control? To live constantly battling your own thoughts, planning, and struggling to maintain the high expectations of a strict routine. To hurt family members, and be completely blind to it all. To lack hope and the ability to be kind to yourself. To loose all freedom or sense of contentment. To never feel that anything you do or are is “enough”.
That is what an ed will bring, do you really want an Ed?
Today (day 3, 3rd admission) has been one of the worst days of my life. All because of panic attacks caused by food no longer being in my control. I can’t be completely vegan while here, I can’t move, and I feel I have lost all that makes me feel myself. I have little say in any of the treatment because of “not being stable”, and nothing makes me more upset than not being understood or even listened to. It feels horrible to be treated like you make no sense, and don’t know what is good for your own self. But I guess I wouldn’t be here if I could keep myself healthy on my own. I just don’t see it, I don’t feel I should be here. I thought I felt good before coming here, but I guess an ed will be happy when it’s winning. I feel confused and frustrated. This is all so much harder than I thought it would be.
Nevertheless I’m here cooperating, and the panic that In the moment feels will kill me passes. I’m doing what I need to do to get out as soon as possible, and know the good side of recovery is never immediate. Sitting through this uncomfortable time again, all I wish is that this illness didn’t exist. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
This is no way to live a life, and I would not wish the hell of anorexia on anyone. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
16 27617 hours ago
The tattoo down my spine reads ‘not all those who wander are lost’ but in all honesty, I was lost.
I never knew who I was other than ‘the mentally ill one’. I never knew who Liv was and I still don’t.
I found myself wandering across this planet in a haze, a blur, never stopping to breathe, always running from something. The thought of being alone terrified me to the core of my being; to be alone with my thoughts was hell.
Now, I can be. I understand now that thoughts don’t have to be followed by actions. I don’t have to act on those intrusive thoughts of self harm and suicide. I don’t have to act on those thoughts of restriction.
Never in my life, have I felt such calm. Even as a child the sense of worry would land in my lap and for days I’d be a mess. Recently I’ve learnt that it’s okay to feel; blocking out emotions and pushing them down just means that one day, like a seed in the dirt, those emotions will surface.
So have I found myself? Do I know who Liv truly is? Who she desires to be? No.
But I’m damn excited to find out ✨
📷 by the revolutionary, inspiring, creative, beautiful soul that is @alizejireh [image description: Liv is naked, her back to the camera as she sits in a river smiling]
70 27603 hours ago
Everyone tells me their biggest fear in gaining weight is that they will bloat and it will redistribute unevenly. You have no reason to be scared‼️ Yes, it does happen, as evinced on the left, but it doesn’t last! I PROMISE. Believe it or not, I weigh at least 10 lbs more on the right! But my body digests food properly and trusts I won’t starve it to the point of organ failure. 👏 I took the left photo in March 2017, about 5 months into recovery. I was disillusioned and felt like I was occupying someone else’s body. It seemed out of reach that I would ever feel comfortable in my body again. But I pushed through it anyway because I knew that living a life scared to eat and scared to gain even a single pound would be much more miserable and unsustainable than fighting for my normal, healthy body. I felt like shit back then. It physically hurts to bloat and it is mental torture to look in the mirror and see the exact opposite of your skeletal frame looking back at you. The reality is you have to gain weight before your mind will catch up. I’ve heard other people say that they “can’t do it this way” because it is “too hard” (you won’t get used to necessary weight gain if you don’t actually gain it!) But I KNOW that you can. You can handle more pain and more discomfort than you ever knew possible. You should accept it, do what you can to feel better on a daily basis, and embrace the shitty process, because you will feel amazing. It might take a long, long time, but it’s worth it. I took the picture on the right today after having lunch. I feel better than I did last year— not guilty or bloated and in pain. I’m not perfect, I slip up, but I don’t let it destroy me and stop me from carrying on. This persistence is what has brought me success in recovery. 💕
Yeah, the most obvious difference here is the CARBS 😍 something that would have drove me to full on freak outs and sent me running a few years ago. Babe, one thing I do know is that it totally helped me to find food freedom by switching up my breakfast. (I tell my clients and online students to do this too!!)
If you want to eat with #foodfreedom (aka stop being held back by restriction, diet labels, anxiety, and guilt) then it’s time to incorporate small changes in your normal routine 👉🏼 and I started with switching up my breakfast 🤗
Why does this work? 🤔 1. It helps you to stop obsessing over perfection because your routine is no longer “perfected” when you try something new.
2. It helps you learn and practice the mental skills you need to overcome OTHER moments of change and spontaneity in your life when it comes to food 👉🏼 like randomly going out for 🍸 🍺 after work or ordering 🍕 with friends.
3. It helps you question your food habits and makes you think 💭 differently 👉🏼 maybe you swore you didn’t care for banana toast but after eating it you were like HELL YES I LOVE IT (that so didn’t happen to me 😛😉😉)
The whole point is, there’s a TON of simple steps you can take to heal your relationship with food... and it can also be SIMPLE and HEALTHY overall.
✅You can overcome a fear of carbs (whether its flour, rice, pasta, bread, etc.)
✅You can learn to enjoy sugar without it turning into a binge (whether its fruit, candy, donuts, etc.)
✅You can order the pancakes 🥞 you really want and not feel guilty!!!
✅You can learn to love yourself enough to stop letting the fear of gaining weight and being “unhealthy” hold you back from living a life that truly makes you happy in all ways.
Babe, I want to help you learn how I overcame a nasty cycle of ED habits, aka restrict-binge-restrict-binge, and help you LOVE FOOD again in a way that makes you feel a m a z i n g.
The 🔗 to my library of free #foodfreedom resources is in my bio! (Tons of tillable workbooks, guides, and action steps for you to get started right now on your journey while you’re PUMPED to do so)
ps I got your back, babe 😘