Could use a pick me up right about now. Last night I tried for like 5 hours to get something to stay down and nothing worked. I barely kept meds and a few sips of Gatorade down. I was up till 12am bc of this. I woke up this morning with a head migraine and my stomach curling into knots. I’m really drained and really defeated this morning. I try to stay positive on here but sometimes you have to be honest and show the true reality of chronic illness.
0 149 hours ago
#csphotochallenge Day 18: Education.
Education is something that has always been important to me and growing up I always though I’d go to university to study to be a surgeon but in reality I left school at 15 years old, before I was able to do any of my exams to gain credits. From the age of 14 I was bullied in high school, it was worse when I had just turned 15 and all I’d done was stick up for someone else being bullied. This carried on for many months and became the sole reason why I was self harming, severely depressed, anorexic and suffering with severe anxiety and PTSD. It was mostly verbal and emotion bullying but I’m very sensitive, although I had a pair of scissors thrown at me and a butter knife and trash dumped over my head. When I tried to commit suicide my parents pulled me out, not knowing how bad I was. From there I got into home schooling and saw an English tutor every week and did online correspondence however I ended up becoming a care giver at a rest home that year and left home school as they made me choose between the two and being a caregiver was a dream job of mine! Recently I’ve been thinking about going somewhere to gain some of my exam credits so I can do a midwifery course this year and I am so confident now that I’ve recovered. School was amazing and I love learning! I’m bright in everything but maths 🙈 but the people made it an awful experience! But yes despite this I would love to study just not go back anywhere near a school
This was the night I was driving into the city. I was hiding in the bathroom at a restaurant because of immense pain and nausea. unfortunately this has become a regular issue again and none of my medications seem to make the cut for relief.
I am feeling a lot of anxiety tonight because I go back to school tomorrow after being on home instruction for close to two months. i’m panicked about sitting in the classroom for 55 minutes with no easy way out, the large amounts of stairs and walking as well as being unable to focus with my nausea again. During this time we were supposed to figure out my health or at least have better ways to manage my symptoms but unfortunately i’m just as bad or worse now than I was when i left.
All of this aside I am still trying to push through and look forward to the good things coming up. Im sending out my care packages on @happythoughtpackages and i’m so excited to be sending smiles and happy thoughts to those who need them AND I’m going back into the city with my boyfriend on sunday and I will redeem myself and won’t be hiding in the bathroom this time 💪🏻
#csphotochallenge Day 17: Black and white. I’ve not really been doing well recently and my doctors practice is all booked out until Monday 😔 I don’t want to go to the ER because I don’t want to wait 6 hours 😂 But still I have to remain positive so here’s a happy picture of me 💕
#csphotochallenge Day 16: Animal. I’ve been waiting for this day since before I started the challenge 😂 Sadly was limited to 10 photos :( As you may be able to tell, I absolutely love animals! Each and every one ❤️ I’ve always had a really strong passion for animals, it’s definitely grown in recent years! Being around animals brings me so much happiness, especially when I’m not feel the best and also when I was struggling with depression. My beautiful cat Mitzy helped me so much, she was my best friend and sadly she had to be put down a few months ago, I had her for 15 years and I miss her so much! I’ll post a picture of her sometime ❤️ So yeah, animals are a HUGE part of my life, my partner and I have annual passes to a Zoo in our current town and a wildlife reserve at our old home town and we often go! As of now I have no pets living with me which is hard, but very soon when we find a house we will have Zoey (pictured in the first picture and another one) living with us and I can’t wait
My snug bug always knows when I need a little extra love 💕 had a very long day but lots of progress was made. Had therapy from 11-12 and then spent like 1-4 working out some problems with my mama and getting us both on the same page when it comes to my health and such. Also she helped me brush out my hair which was much needed cause when I get overwhelmed things like that don’t get done. Now I’m gonna try and keep dinner down 🤞🏼
My entire world has changed from 2009-2019. The past ten years have been full of struggle and recovery.
2009 is when i really started struggling with my mental and my physical health, everything kind of got messed up and my depression and anxiety sky rocketed and i started dealing with a lot of stomach issues. 2019 is the year i'm finally learning about and understanding myself and finally getting some answers about my physical health. I grieve what i lost and what i could never have, i regret many choiced i made in the past ten years, but i'm so relieved and thankful to have grown and changed into the person i am today and i wouldn't be who i am had i not experienced these things. Lots of great things coming for 2019 🙏💕 .
Edit: whoops this picture was 2008 and i was way different in 2009 but i can't find a picture so oh well
#csphotochallenge Day 15: Family! I’m so sorry recently I’ve been slacking on my posts I’m all caught up after this one! Family is something that always has and always will be important to me, I’m lucky to have grown up in an amazing and supportive family. My family consists of my Mum who is practically my best friend as well, my dad and my older sister who is 21. I love them all to bits and honestly I’ve survived some of my harder times because of them! During my depression my dad and I didn’t get along as well and fell apart quite a lot but recently have become closer than ever. Mum has always been the biggest support for me, supporting me through depression and other mental illness, supporting choices I make and taking me to appointments and doing her absolute everything for me. I often tell her that I would’ve not been here without her help, I love her so much and moving away has been such a challenge! We both cried when I left on Friday last week :( I am very lucky as I know a lot of people struggle with family issues or no one supporting them so I’d like to add here that I’m always available anytime/day to talk to anyone! Sometimes I am awful and replying but I will always listen 💕
2 503 days ago
#csphotochallenge Day 14: Thoughts
For this post I’m going to do my thoughts on chronic illness. Two years ago I would never have known how much chronic illness can affect someone’s life, big or small they definitely make an impact on how we live! Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how I wish I could go hiking again and swimming and do things I definitely took advantage of when I was living normally, I really wish I could go back to my old self sometimes but then I think about how amazing my life has been, being chronically ill is just a tiny part of my life, it may stop me from doing some things but it will never change the person I am and how much I love my life!
Let’s talk chronic nausea. Who’s got? Who knows why they got it? I’ve been nauseated practically 24:7 since I went to the ER in early November. It comes and goes in terms of severity with its most intensity being first thing when I wake up, when I’m in the car, and after dinner. I’ve probably thrown up at least 3 or 4 days a week every week since that ER trip. I HATE throwing up, but when my nausea knocks me to the ground like after tonight’s dinner what else can ya do? Not sure if these are side effects from the abdominal migraines and need to see my neurologist or if it’s a different gastrointestinal issue entirely and need to see a GI doctor. With EDS I know there’s a strong chance I could develop gastroparesis but I REALLY don’t want that to be it.
•I decided to create an account to express my true raw self; struggles & triumphs.
•Two Years ago my life started on a path of destruction. With what I thought at the time was the flu became two years of every test imaginable. Thousands of pokes, enough scopes & imaging for a lifetime and dreadful hospitalizations with no answers to this point.
•My day starts with pain and nausea. The temporary solution: injections at the hospital every morning and the only thing that allows my to have somewhat of a “normal” life, marijuana. At first I was embarrassed that people would pass judgement, and there is many who do including many of my doctors. I’ve FINALLY realized that this is my body, my health and definitely my decision. Marijuana keeps me away from living in a hospital bed, throwing up everything I eat, and losing all hope and that’s all that should matter!
•On top of this bullshit of course I suffer mentally. I am not the person I used to see in the mirror and most days my dark thoughts are masked by my smile. My family & friends (who I consider family) have been pushing me through the darkness and are the reason I continue to fight this battle. With all of the loving people around me I’ll find a way to make it, further more I’m not alone. I know many others are struggling to stay above water like me.
•Lets see what this year will throw at me!
Join in on my journey for hope, support and/or encouragement. ♥️♥️♥️ _______________________________________________________________
0 53:45 PM Jan 8, 2019
#csphotochallenge Day 8: Home. To me home will always be my town I grew up in, I lived where the first picture was taken for the first three years of my life and then lived another 15 years in town away from the beach. I recently have moved with my boyfriend up to the North island from the south but I will always consider where I was born my home ❤️
#csphotochallenge Day 7: Mental Health. This is an important topic to me! I’ve never really shared my story before but I am ready to now. Some people may find parts triggering so TW for anyone who needs it!! In 2015 I was bullied badly at school for sticking up for a friend, I had scissors thrown at me as well as a butter knife and rubbish thrown on me. The verbal assaults were the worst for me though. In 2015 I started self harming which were really superficial then and I wish they’d stayed that way! My parents found out three months later and I was taken to therapy which was no help for me and put on an anti depressant that wasn’t good for me! In 2016 my cuts got deeper, it’s hard to see them in pictures but my leg is probably the worst! In February I tried to commit suicide via overdose and ended up in an ambulance to the hospital where I was transferred to another hospital and discharged that night, I then got into an amazing service with really helped my mental health! I left school for good after that with no qualifications and started home school which didn’t work out. My meds were changed again and then once more until I found a good one in still on today! In October 2016 I was discharged from therapy, just a couple of weeks after my first relationship ended after one year and three months, it was emotionally and physically abusive and I still have flashbacks and problems from the concussions I got which now I have to attend neurology for in a few months. I’m not really ready to go into more detail about that relationship, just the fact it made my depression 100% worse. Fast forward to 2019, Another shitty relationship later and I’m with my one ❤️ We live together and have done amazing things I never thought I’d live or be able to do! I’m so thankful for my second chance at life, my depression is mostly gone, I’m one year self harm free, coming up to three years since my attempt and I do not have an eating disorder. I still suffer from anxiety and PTSD. But for all those who think it’ll never get better, I was there once too and let me tell you it does get better and it’s so incredibly wonderful ❤️ Thanks for reading this far if you got here ❤️
#csphotochallenge Day 6: Love 💕Today I can finally introduce you to my wonderful boyfriend, Dallas! He is the biggest support in my life and I would really struggle without him 😊 He’s so caring and understanding when it comes to my health and I couldn’t be more grateful! We have been together since 2/12/17 so just over a year but in that year we have achieved so much! We moved cities together for his job, have done things I never thought I would get the chance to do and I am genuinely happy with him after two shitty relationships before him. So yeah, this is my partner ❤️
7 5710:43 PM Jan 5, 2019
We are running the Star Wars Half Marathon the first weekend of April. After the Wine & Dine challenge that left me barely able to walk, we took a break from running. It's time to get back into training, but I have to confess, I don't really want to.
I fell in love with running in 2015 when it gave me an outlet for stress and made me feel a ton stronger. Then chronic illness got in my way.
In the struggle with realizing that I have hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and being told I should not run, I think I have taken that to heart more than I realized.
I am hoping that the pain management appointment that I have in a couple weeks will give me some strategies to help.
Today, I started my training with 60 minutes on the elliptical to stand in for the 5 mile run that was on the training schedule. It was tough, but I made it.
Praying that I can figure out how to get past the pain, fatigue, and dizziness and embrace/enjoy training this time around.
#csphotochallenge Day 5: Proud- I am proud of overcoming depression and self harm. I self harmed a lot for nearly a year and have a few scars to show which I absolutely hate, I’m so thankful and proud I stopped and was discharged from therapy- this will always be my biggest/ proudest moment. I’m also proud of myself for moving. I never saw myself leaving home till age 21+ and especially not now because of my health etc but I did! My boyfriend and I moved together to a new city to live and we are doing amazing things! I’ve also done things like go on a plane by myself or go to my first concert (Sleeping with sirens) which I class as proud moments 💕
#csphotochallenge Day 4: Illness. So far the illness’ that I am aware I have are GERD, Endometriosis, Fibromyalgia, Anxiety (Social, Generalized, Seperation and OCD), PTSD and IBS. I still know there’s more to it but I guess I’ll see when I have a neurologist appointment! I didn’t have so many photos of illness related stuff but found these two, the first one is me in the ER last January for chest pains and breathing issues which is when they first though acid reflux and the second is what happens to me every week usually at least once, half my face flushes red and I’m not sure why! 🤷🏻♀️
Sending a lil extra love & high fives to all my CNC aka Chronic Nausea Crew♥️Ive had chronic nausea for 6 straight years & geez louise it dictates my life ALMOST as much as my chronic pain. I’ve come to think of pain & nausea as a horrible gym bro/WWE wrestling team that fist bump one another as they individually or simultaneously slap my body around.
I thankfully do not vomit daily, I have friends that do & it absolutely terrifies me to think of how miserable that must be. I go through periods where for 4 weeks straight I will dry heave every morning as soon as I wake up or I’ll hit a 3 week span where I puke a lot but there’s no real rhyme or reason to it. I’m always nauseous when I eat but some days it’s an all day affair.
I don’t properly metabolize many of the anti-emetics utilized for nausea so for the first 4 years I just dealt with it as best I could. I often lived off saltines, corn chex, & cans of lukewarm coke. I desperately tried everything I could including yes lots of ginger. Ginger ale, ginger tea, ginger kombucha, ginger chews etc.
I’ve thankfully been able to make eating easier with Marinol/THC. Its allowed me to eat a wider range of food on “better days” & can sometimes stop me from imminent puking. Some days nothing helps & I ride it out until it’s done.
Chronic nausea can make you become distanced from food, you can’t have it so you stop wanting it. I often can’t handle the smells wafting from the kitchen when Sean cooks, my nose is super powered. When I’m in that thick “nausea haze” absolutely nothing sounds appetizing, even the smell of shampoo is too pungent. The vegetables & fruits I once loved can sound disgusting, complex flavors & textures are no bueno. Salty carbs are 70% of my diet, every crunch is coated in shame & frustration.
I still do not know why I’m chronically nauseous. Tons of tests yield no answers (it isn’t medication induced). What can you do except work your way through it?
If you are in the same boat I’m sorry. I send you my love, solidarity, & ginger coated hugs. It’s a symptom that is often overlooked in terms of how debilitating it can be. I’m here if you need to talk about it♥️ #chronicnausea #🤢